Changes

Well, time has certainly changed things since the last time I blogged.

As many of you know, Dave and I mutually called off the wedding.

There were several reasons that made us decided it was not time for us to be together.

We are both doing well in our separate lives.

We still e-mail one another.

Dave is still in Afghanistan and working hard.

Send positive energy to his team as they recently lost three guys and had two more injured.

I moved back to Kansas City.

It has been a HUGE adjustment, but I think I'm handling it pretty well.

My life still has a Dave shaped void in it though.

Afterall, we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.

I suppose I will always have a special place for him in my heart, as cheesy as it sounds.

I'm back in the dating world and it feels so weird.

I don't know if I'm really ready for this, but I'm giving it my best shot.

I talk about my bipolar on here a lot.

It has really stabilized since I've been home.

And I'm on a lower dosage of my mood stabilizer and I'm not a zombie anymore.

I've been feeling more like my old self lately.

It's been a rough adjustment, but I'm settling in here quite nicely.

I'll be going to school part time this fall.

I also work full time at Beauty Brands.

My coworkers are like my second family and it feels so nice to be working with them again.

A lot has changed, but I'm growing a lot.

I'm not the same person I was 5 months ago.

Another change I need to make is the title of my blog.

I'm no longer living Life in the Farcht Lane.

If any of you have a clever idea for a new name let me know.

Thanks for reading.

Send your positive energy to Dave and his team.

XOXO, Allie

My GOLDEN Birthday

Well, folks it truly was a golden birthday for me.

Why, you ask?

For the first time since I can remember I wasn't depressed about it.

Usually I go into a major down swing around my birthday because of all the adoption stuff.

I think about Ana and how she felt so many years ago on that day.

Did she love me?

Did she hate me?

Did she just want me out of her sight?

Or did she embrace me in her arms?

Those are the kinds of questions that always ran through my mind.

Being free of that burden has me overjoyed!

It was nice not to have a dark cloud hanging over me on my birthday.

What a fucking relief.

In other related news...

I'm considering beginning a search for Ana.

I feel like I'm in a very stable spot and could handle whatever happens.

What do you think?

XOXO,

Allie

Current events

So, this is what happens when I can't sleep...I rediscover my blog. 

It's been sinfully long since I last posted and I decided tonight was the night for an update. 

A lot has happened since I last posted in October. 

Dave & I met in Dubai.

It was fucking incredible.

I can't find the words to properly describe it.

Modern. Exotic. Unfamiliar.

It's weird to say, but it almost felt like home. 

I feel that Dave and I could live there if his work ever took both of us to that part of the world.

The scent in the air was even different. 

It was like spice, sea, and dust all mixed into one.

We rode camels, went dune bashing, hit up the souks (markets) and took a city tour.

It's glamorous and old world all at the same time.

If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend that you go.

Our wedding has been completely downsized.

*HUGE sigh of relief*

We are going back to having an intimate and small event.

Our guest list is now cut down to less than half of the original list.

I think so many people forget it's about the marriage, not the wedding.

So we're going back to basics.

I've been missing Sean a lot lately.

The fact that he won't be there when we say, "I do" cripples me each time I think about it.

My best friend is gone.

I had to explain to my nephew today that people don't have cell phones when they die...

*insert buckets of tears here*

For awhile after he died, I would call his phone just to hear his voice on voicemail.

There is, and always will be, a Sean shaped void in my life.

The silver lining on this cloud is that I met my wonderful future husband.

I'm taking 15 credit hours this semester.

It feels so good to be back in school.

I love enriching myself and learning new things.

I'm a nerd.

I've been trying to better my life lately too.

I have positive affirmations about my body stuck to my mirror.

I finally have hips now!

Curves are sexy.

Weight (one way or another) has always been a struggle for me.

Remember when I weighed 105 in high school?

That wasn't from being healthy.

I'm also trying to look at being bipolar in positive ways.

On manic swings I'm more productive and my house is immaculately clean.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that any situation can be turned into something positive.

I could beat myself up every day for the things I'm not.

Or I can celebrate the greatness of the things I am.

Try it for a week and I promise you'll feel better.

I hope this post finds you all well. 

XOXO,
Allie