Changes

Well, time has certainly changed things since the last time I blogged.

As many of you know, Dave and I mutually called off the wedding.

There were several reasons that made us decided it was not time for us to be together.

We are both doing well in our separate lives.

We still e-mail one another.

Dave is still in Afghanistan and working hard.

Send positive energy to his team as they recently lost three guys and had two more injured.

I moved back to Kansas City.

It has been a HUGE adjustment, but I think I'm handling it pretty well.

My life still has a Dave shaped void in it though.

Afterall, we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.

I suppose I will always have a special place for him in my heart, as cheesy as it sounds.

I'm back in the dating world and it feels so weird.

I don't know if I'm really ready for this, but I'm giving it my best shot.

I talk about my bipolar on here a lot.

It has really stabilized since I've been home.

And I'm on a lower dosage of my mood stabilizer and I'm not a zombie anymore.

I've been feeling more like my old self lately.

It's been a rough adjustment, but I'm settling in here quite nicely.

I'll be going to school part time this fall.

I also work full time at Beauty Brands.

My coworkers are like my second family and it feels so nice to be working with them again.

A lot has changed, but I'm growing a lot.

I'm not the same person I was 5 months ago.

Another change I need to make is the title of my blog.

I'm no longer living Life in the Farcht Lane.

If any of you have a clever idea for a new name let me know.

Thanks for reading.

Send your positive energy to Dave and his team.

XOXO, Allie

My GOLDEN Birthday

Well, folks it truly was a golden birthday for me.

Why, you ask?

For the first time since I can remember I wasn't depressed about it.

Usually I go into a major down swing around my birthday because of all the adoption stuff.

I think about Ana and how she felt so many years ago on that day.

Did she love me?

Did she hate me?

Did she just want me out of her sight?

Or did she embrace me in her arms?

Those are the kinds of questions that always ran through my mind.

Being free of that burden has me overjoyed!

It was nice not to have a dark cloud hanging over me on my birthday.

What a fucking relief.

In other related news...

I'm considering beginning a search for Ana.

I feel like I'm in a very stable spot and could handle whatever happens.

What do you think?

XOXO,

Allie

Current events

So, this is what happens when I can't sleep...I rediscover my blog. 

It's been sinfully long since I last posted and I decided tonight was the night for an update. 

A lot has happened since I last posted in October. 

Dave & I met in Dubai.

It was fucking incredible.

I can't find the words to properly describe it.

Modern. Exotic. Unfamiliar.

It's weird to say, but it almost felt like home. 

I feel that Dave and I could live there if his work ever took both of us to that part of the world.

The scent in the air was even different. 

It was like spice, sea, and dust all mixed into one.

We rode camels, went dune bashing, hit up the souks (markets) and took a city tour.

It's glamorous and old world all at the same time.

If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend that you go.

Our wedding has been completely downsized.

*HUGE sigh of relief*

We are going back to having an intimate and small event.

Our guest list is now cut down to less than half of the original list.

I think so many people forget it's about the marriage, not the wedding.

So we're going back to basics.

I've been missing Sean a lot lately.

The fact that he won't be there when we say, "I do" cripples me each time I think about it.

My best friend is gone.

I had to explain to my nephew today that people don't have cell phones when they die...

*insert buckets of tears here*

For awhile after he died, I would call his phone just to hear his voice on voicemail.

There is, and always will be, a Sean shaped void in my life.

The silver lining on this cloud is that I met my wonderful future husband.

I'm taking 15 credit hours this semester.

It feels so good to be back in school.

I love enriching myself and learning new things.

I'm a nerd.

I've been trying to better my life lately too.

I have positive affirmations about my body stuck to my mirror.

I finally have hips now!

Curves are sexy.

Weight (one way or another) has always been a struggle for me.

Remember when I weighed 105 in high school?

That wasn't from being healthy.

I'm also trying to look at being bipolar in positive ways.

On manic swings I'm more productive and my house is immaculately clean.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that any situation can be turned into something positive.

I could beat myself up every day for the things I'm not.

Or I can celebrate the greatness of the things I am.

Try it for a week and I promise you'll feel better.

I hope this post finds you all well. 

XOXO,
Allie

Engagement Pictures

XOXO,
Allie

Taken at the Pointe Hilton Tapatio Cliffs by David De Dios Photography.

A day in the life...

Oh, hey there.
Me again.
I'm sitting here trying to decide whether this post should be a heart wrenchingly honest one
or
a blah blah blah here's how fabulous my life is one.
Let's go with a slight combination.
Ok? Perfect.

So, the other day I was like Martha Stewart on crack...
cooked, cleaned, painted, knitted, and even paid attention to the dogs.
I have become exactly who I promised myself I wouldn't be.
I fucking love it though.

I admit it...I love being a "housewife."

Dave and I made two more deals.
1. I don't have to resume working 4 days a week IF I volunteer two days and work two.
2. I can get my motorcycle license IF I'm careful and know I can't get my own bike right away.

Done and done.

I love that he makes my dreams become reality.

So the other day I get this wild hair up my ass and decide to seek out some forgiveness & mend a broken tie with an old..."friend."

It went better than I expected.

I laid out my truth and he told me his.

After a year or so of each of us assuming the worst of one another, things were finally set right.

We respectfully got everything into the open and bid one each other the best in life.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

A weight I didn't even notice until the other day.

So, what's my point?

My point is that one should always fix their burned bridges.

I let that mother fucker burn like Hell (bridge, not person), but now things are okay.

I'm at peace with the situation.

Humbling yourself and admitting you're wrong is huge.

Sharing yourself is freeing.

Put positive energy into the universe.

XOXO,
Allie

Busy as a bee

For someone who only works 16 hours a week, I can't ever seem to find enough time.
How did I survive when I worked 50+ hours AND tried to keep things together?
Seriously.
The last month or so has been INSANE.

I'm not sure how I remembered to breathe.

First, Dave came home early.
(J. Marc you are dearly missed)
The next day my mom and aunt came into town.
We also had the neph (every weekend) and Strumbley here.
Yes, 7 people in a house that usually has 2.
Dyinggggg.
Don't get me wrong, I love to entertain, but this was a clusterfuck.

Carrie, mom, Brian-- loved having you guys, but it was a madhouse.
We all had great meals, lots of drinking, and a lot of time spent strumbling into the pool.
Yes, "strumbling" is our new word.
It's Brian's last name plus stumble.
Must only be used when referring to an action done while drinking.

After our little trip up to the Prescott house, Dave and I took the wedding bull by the horns.
We accomplished so much while he was here...not to mention he won't be home again until March.
Our engagement pics are already back and they are FABULOUS!!!
I have such a handsome hubs-to-be.
Also, shout-out to David De Dios for being such a talented photog!

Our little stay-cation at the Pointe Hilton was just what the two of us needed.

Lounging poolside is the best thing in the world.
Not to mention being surrounded by natural waterfalls & palm trees without leaving the city!

Dave, you always choose the best places for us to stay.
It even made me forget about NOT being in Costa Rica as planned.

Oh, and more info on the wedding website regarding the resort will be posted soon.

OH SHIT.
I can't believe I didn't say this right away...
I GOT MY REAL RING AND IT IS FUCKING GORGEOUS.
Thanks, baby. 

You have to get something you adore and you won't ever need to upgrade.
I look at my hand a thousand times each day and smile because I love it so.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Dave went back to Afghanistan and I tried to stay positive...
and I ended up at David's Bridal on the way home.
I finally got my dress.

It's going to need major altering because my boobs are several dress sizes larger than my non-existent ass.

It isn't at all what I had envisioned or where I wanted to go, but things ended perfectly.

I feel gorgeous in my dress and I undoubtedly know Dave will agree.
Vera Wang, you are a genius.

Yesterday I enrolled in two classes at PVCC.
I begin with Psychology today and have meditation & wellness on Friday.
Being on a campus again is a strange feeling.
I'm excited to go to school again...

and you all know how I love school supplies.
I'm going to get my associates and then on to bachelors.
Maybe masters someday.

Needless to say, I still haven't picked up more hours at work.

Maybe just one more day rather than two...we'll see.
Peak season in Phoenix is coming soon, so I need to get my butt into gear.

I'm just so tired of the salon atmosphere.

I want to help people in a real way...
not just to look better.

Anyway, I've been feeling happy & content lately.
When I have a spare minute to slow down I realize how lucky I am.
Cooking even makes me smile -- WTF?!?!
A few years ago it made me want to pull my hair out.

I also figured out that I can cook and paint in between.
Bliss.
Two months ago I was in a very different state of mind.
So thankful to be where I am now.

Thankful for wonderful hubs-to-be.
Thankful for love & support from all angles.
Thankful for each new day.

XOXO

The "truth" about me...

This post is going to be raw, vulnerable, and completely honest.
I'm actually nervous as I'm sitting here typing...
and a little out of it as I have been up since 2am.
Anyway, mental illness is the topic du jour.

The recent suicide of a friend initially prompted me to open up.
And the surprising words in an e-mail from an old friend.
I think everyone needs someone to relate to.
So, here I am...
take me or leave me.

I have been suffering with depression since I was 16.
I have been on anti-depressants for the past 8 years.
My parents were initially in denial about what was going on in my life.
Let's face it...nobody wants to have "that" kid.
It wasn't just regular sadness or something that would pass.
They serotonin levels were actually fucked up in my brain.
Not something I could just shake off.
They put me into counseling and started meds.
I got better for awhile.

When I felt good I would always try to wean myself off of my meds.
That's definitely it a problem.
You feel good because the meds are working, not necessarily because you're better.
I hated the stigma of having to take a pill to feel "happy."
I just wanted to be "normal."
What the hell is "normal" anyway?
There isn't a standard of normalcy.
It's functional or non-functional.

For those of you who don't have a mental illness, I'll explain what it feels like.
Those commercials on TV are so ridiculous.
It feels like you're stuck in a dark, awful bubble.
No matter what you do you can't feel better.
You hate yourself & the world around you.
You just want "peace."
Sometimes it's sleeping to turn your mind off.
Sometimes it's cutting yourself to release the inner pain through an outer channel.
(Don't make emo jokes here)
Sometimes it's not being able to cry because your body can't physically produce more tears.
Sometimes it's controlling outward things because you can't control your inner emotions.

Anyway, two years ago I attempted to kill myself.
I had reached that dark hole and just wanted out.
Life was too much and I just wanted to shut it all off.
I wanted to be at peace...or to feel anything other than what I felt.
The depression and anxiety were unbearable.
I had everything going for me, but I wasn't happy in my own mind.
I decided ending it all would be best.
Luckily, they got me to the hospital before the meds shut me down.
I had to drink a charcoal milkshake to absorb all the pills I had taken.
Let's just say when it's over it's like wiping with 80 grit sand paper...
I spent 4 days in a mental health unit.
It was fucking horrible.
You're like a prisoner, but you get to wear your own clothes.
I promised myself I wouldn't every be put in "one of those places" ever again.
Then I moved out to PHX to live with my cousin who had Borderline Personality Disorder.
It's similar to bipolar with the mood fluctuations, but occurs throughout a day rather than a month or so.
He "got" me more than anyone else in the world ever had.
We had the craziest, deepest bond you can ever imagine.
Then one morning, he shot himself in our house while we were home.

Fast forward to this past summer...

Feeling the same way all over again.
Great life, but I didn't want it.
I had been in the downward spiral for a few weeks.
I kept telling myself I was going to snap out of it.
I reached the breaking point and knew I had to get help or I would be gone within hours.
I knew that I couldn't put my family & friends through the fallout after Sean.
As much as I disregarded myself, I knew the pain it felt to lose someone to suicide.
I called my brother and told him I was coming home from work and that we needed to go straight to the hospital.
He knew I wasn't joking and we went.
I spent 6 days in the unit.
This time it was a better place and I didn't "work" the system just to get out.
I knew I had to make major changes or the cycle would repeat again.
After discharge, I went to IOPMH (Intensive Out-Patient Mental Health) for 5 weeks.
I met some inspiring, supportive friends who understand the daily challenges I face.
In some way, they save me every day.

My doctors/counselors/therapists have been assisting me with finding the diagnosis to my disorder.
A little OCD, a lot of anxiety, and a ton of mood fluctuations.
It isn't just depression & anxiety anymore.
There is something we've been missing the past 8 years prior.
So, we continue to work together to figure out my best treatment.
I hope one day I can be a fully functioning individual.
I'm working toward it each and every day.

So, what was the point of all this rambling?
If there is even one person who feels less alone and that it's ok to ask for help after reading my story,
then I did exactly what I intended to do when I began typing.
I may only be 24, but I've been through a lot of shit that others my age haven't been through.
I may seem like a crazy bitch sometimes, but I'm always here to listen...
To lend an ear or a shoulder.
Just know that I get it.

XOXO,
Allie